The fastest year of my life...

John turned 1 on the 21st, three days after Ella turned 4. I will say, there has never been a faster year that I can remember. It was packed with a kitchen remodel, a newborn, flights to see family, Andrew working more than ever, more flights to see family, and now birthdays. In between there were lots of smaller things, but overall, travel, work, and life with #3 has been our year and I hope this next year doesn't fly by so fast. John has been the best baby a mom could ask for. He is content, curious, and oh so cute. He is a crawling and climbing machine, and can out eat his older sister in less than 15 minutes. I love his huge blue eyes and his little curls that are forming along his hairline. He's a good sleeper for the most part. Sharing a room is hard, but he's learning to make it through the night without waking up more and more. He had chicken nuggets for the first time at home today with Ella and Peter. He also was the only one who would share my mushroom risotto, so I know he will be a refined young man, right? I mean, what baby likes risotto? I guess to me it just sounds fancy. He loves to watch other kids and is getting more brave as the days pass. Walking along everything and standing for about 10 seconds on his own, but no steps yet. He's smart, he knows I'm not ready for that yet. He crawls for the door when he hears Daddy come home, it's just so great. He still only has 2 bottom teeth. I'm not sure if part of it is because he sucks his pointer and middle finger of his left hand whenever he sees his blankie, or if it's just because they're taking longer to come through. I can't get enough of his cuddles and I'm sure getting sad watching him get bigger, but he's also having so much fun keeping up with his brother and sister, and that's a blessing to watch too. As I protect him while he climbs up the stairs, I realize that we don't have a little baby in the house anymore. A new phase has begun and little John Lew is entering toddlerhood. Yikes and yippee at the same time.

Can't believe she's 4

Back when Ella was born I thought it was normal for a baby to want to eat every hour and half, only sleep when held, and make rest seem like a thing of the past. She was the firstborn and good thing for that because I don't think I could have handled it if I had another kid to take care of while caring for her. Over time things got better and I read up and asked advice only to learn that she, at a young age, knew I was a total chump. Anything for my girl I thought, just keep her happy. Well, over the years, she can still get me to bend over backwards, but she's learned manners and has more boundaries to keep us all happy. Ella has been an amazing big sister to both of her brothers and a wonderful daughter to Andrew and I. We see so many things in her personality that make us laugh and go nuts at the same time. She's got a lot of energy-that's Daddy, and she's stubborn and opinionated- um, yeah, that's Mommy. She's also very determined and task oriented- Both of us combined share that good, yet unfortunate at times trait. She loves to be around friends and always wants to know what's next- also a shared parental commonality. I love the way she makes up words and has drawn out conversations on her play phones. Some of the funny things she says:
Pabana- Banana
Squeezer- Go Gurt (yogurt)
Impameal- Oatmeal
Princerella- Princess
Lesternight- Last night or yesterday
Nilla Wipers- Nilla Wafers
Pacheetos- Cheetos Chips

Those are just a few, but Ella is funny. She has been quoted many times and is sure to get a laugh when she comes up with silly reasons for why she does things. Or when she's trying to get Peter to do something, the ways she tells him how and why are hysterical. She told him the other day that "God made him special and loves him very much, and Jesus lives in Alaska." She is showing her heart for the God more as time goes on, and I only hope this grows as the years pass. Even though she will not attend AWANA without her brother (she calls it Hawana), I know it's not because she doesn't want to learn about God, but because Peter can't go yet. She says she will go next year when Peter is old enough to go too. She is getting to learn her letters and points out every "E" she sees. And I mean EVERY E. Her memory is like glue. I can't believe the stuff she brings up from literally, years ago. She wants  a little sister and although I am not sure we will do anything about this, I like that she knows she is different from her brothers and when she and Mommy get to do things, it's special. I would not trade her for the world, and just for the record, she could still eat every hour and a half if I let her and it involved snacks :).

3 suitcases 3 pumpkins 3 kids

Right now I am sitting among dirty dishes, race cars everywhere, my photography set up in my living room, sewing materials all over my dining room table, and laundry, but today I am Thankful. Andrew took today off and for the first time in about a year (no exaggeration) I, and all of my kids slept through the night, we had a fun day as a family, and Andrew killed a deer. I will say, as of right now, he is out in the woods with 2 friends searching for that poor creature, but he got one. Let's just hope it ends up found soon. (It's almost 10PM). This week I got my room cleaned up and organized, the kids clothes put away and given out, 3 photography sessions, had a lot of fun sewing some hooded towels and burp cloths, had a nice weekend with Andrew off (we are LOVING him not being on trauma anymore), and I am super excited for my sister to fly in tomorrow night for a few weeks. So, unlike my last post, things are going better, God has given me a fresh spirit and some renewed energy (tonight it's for blogging and not for cleaning) but nonetheless, it's energy. Thank you to those who have been praying for us. 

The kids are doing well, besides the usual cold and cough season engulfing our house, their spirits are high and so are the volumes on ALL 3 of their voices. John has taken to screaming (in excitement) when Ella and Peter are loud, only adding to the decibel level in my house and the term "you are hurting my ears," is becoming all too familiar in my vocabulary. I've only been around a few things in life that actually brought pain to my brain, and their screaming is right there on that list. I have to laugh about it though because they're having fun and watching John get in on it as he gets older makes me happy. They are friends and Ella and Peter really do watch out for him. I can't believe Ella will be 4, John will be 1, and I will be 28 all in the next 9 days. I'm getting gray hair. Right in the front of my head where all those baby hairs grow back in, yeah, right there. I was plucking them out, but I stopped, noticing a small thinning patch on the side. So, better gray than bald. It's a good thing my sister has hairdressing skills... Anyway, yes, today I am thankful and as the Fall is fast upon us, the leaves are turning colors, pumpkins and mums surround our porches, there are cool mornings to enjoy, hot drinks to consume, and another year of life has passed for 3 of us in the family, I eagerly await what God has in store for us. 

I love old suitcases and the kids wanted the pumpkins in the picture too. Good idea kids :).

He's such a happy boy.

Communion

This morning John woke up at 4am and was awake for too long, so I brought him in our bed to sleep. I will say though I love sleeping by the little people, I don't get as much, if any more sleep after they resume slumber in my face. Peter woke up by 6:30 and cried, waking up Ella while Andrew was in the shower. I told him to hurry and maybe I could shower for church and actually go. When Andrew is on call I usually just say, "I pass" because getting the kids out by 8am on my own doesn't happen. I can get them ready, but not myself. I did it though, today I pressed through the cries for more food, Ella sitting in time out until we left before she would finally recite, "children obey your parents," and John wanting me to hold him all morning crawling at my legs while I fixed my hair quickly. Why are Sunday mornings just the stinkin' worst?? 

A little history for you so you understand why it was important for me to get to church today. I'm a mess. My house is mess, the backyard is a mess, the basement is a mess, I've made a mess while sewing and knitting, and I mean, A MESS. Anyone who knows me well, knows this is NOT MY STYLE. I do not roll "messy." Ever since we got back from our trips, the unpacking (or lack of) and then dumping of the suitcases has resulted in a serious backlog of laundry and motivation, or even knowing where to start. John's mobility has made it very hard to clean up without THREE tiny tornados barreling through my efforts to pick up or put clothes away. With the older two, a Barney episode makes it possible to clean a bathroom and do the dishes, maybe some laundry. Anyway, it is somewhat of a reflection of my being right now. I'm unable to attend any bible studies due to naps and bedtime and a busy husband. (Don't say, "use the babysitting co-op or find a sitter, it's more complicated than that). I don't have a lot of time to myself, and when I do, reading will make me fall asleep. Summed up: I'm feeling really far from the Lord right now. I have all summer. Going back to see my college made me remember 3 times a week chapels, Sunday church, devotions, and being surrounded by people who are just pumped about God. That was such a spiritually high time in life, I would give anything to have that right now. After my cousin and Grandma died I especially hit a low. I'm not sure why death does that to a person, even when I know they are in heaven. What's left down here is hurting and sadness. Today we had communion. I haven't been at church for this in months. I can't even barely make it through the songs without tears these days, so today, communion by myself was for surely tearful. I think of my family, my kids, my lack of time with God and I get sad that I haven't been a better mom, wife and friend lately. I think about how God is bigger than my issues and even how He is the healer of my heart. Today, in my heart I asked God, "Why is my life so nuts right now? Why do I feel like my home is a reflection of how messy my mind, speech, emotions are? Why is there so much hurt around me?" For the first time in months, I heard God. Clearly. You know what he said to me? "Be still and KNOW that I AM GOD." Plain as day. It's been a long time since I felt close to Him, but today, he said, "that's enough. I am here for you. Run to me. Let me heal your heart and the hearts of those around you. Let me be your strength and stop trying to do this without ME." (I'm crying right now.) I want my kids to see God in me, and I know for sure they have not this past year. On the way home, I had to fill up the car and this song came on the radio. It's called Broken by Lifehouse. It could not be more applicable to my spiritual life right now and I am just praying that starting this month as I turn 28, that my upcoming year will be way more fruitful than this past one. I want to be a better person and a better child of God.

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight

Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time

I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts

I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head

I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead

I still see your reflection inside of my eyes

That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm hangin' on another day

Just to see what you throw my way

And I'm hanging on to the words you say

You said that I will be OK

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing

With a broken heart that's still beating

In the pain, there is healing

In your name I find meaning

So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on

I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone

I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

 

Admission

Ella 1 week

Peter 1 week

John 1 week

Confession time: I'm totally having baby fever right now. I'm sure my husband and my close friends are getting sick of my constant ponderings of why I just love babies so much, but how busy and crazy they can make me at the same time. Three kids in three years is a lot for anyone's body, marriage, and sanity. Especially when Andrew is busy and when he does have free time, it's a stress between some down time and taking care of the kids and myself. Since, by the end of the day, I need taking care of in the way of just plain HELP! At the end of his day, he has operated on who knows how many people and being on Trauma has been so much busier than normal. Seeing really hurt people all day long is taxing, even though fixing them is great, it's not the only part of the job. He sees them again in clinic and hopes it all worked out. So, he's pretty tired and worn out right now. Talking about more babies with him is along the lines of making me eat onions. I could do it, and over time I might acquire a taste, but in the moment, it doesn't sound so great. I REALLY thought after John was born that I FOR SURE did NOT want any more babies. I admit that in the past few months my heart is sad that he's growing up, and I have a little ache for being pregnant again. Not newly pregnant because I'm usually super super tired, moody, and a little sick, but like 4-8 months pregnant when you're cute, belly is nice and round and you're not near the very end when all the extra "swelling" happens. You have to take the good with the bad though to meet that precious little one at the end. Here's the deal. I'm a planner and an over-thinker. I give myself stomach aches thinking about stuff. I know..."cast all your cares on God" but there are times when I just want a slap in the face answer and it's not always like that. Hardly ever actually. God says WAIT. I think that's what He's telling me right now. In fact, that's what Andrew is telling me too. :). 

There is a mental pro/con list floating around in my head at the time about having another baby at some point. 

Pros: Ella may get a sister that she so wishes for. I love tiny babies, holding them is the best thing. The kids love babies and they are getting helpful as they get older. The future doesn't seem so daunting thinking of all of them leaving me for college at the same time (I'd have the little one home for a bit). 4 is an even number. My own brother makes me self conscious about that "middle child." whatever John. ;). The love that these little ones give me, their Daddy and each other is so amazing to see and experience. They all play together. 

Cons: I'll drive a van for a very long time. More costs. More diapers. Less sleep. Less individual attention for each child. (Do they care about this even?). Busier. More worries. I know you're not supposed to worry. Is there any mom out there who doesn't worry about their kids. That's silly. My own mom would say to me, "I'm not worried. Worry is a sin. I'm CONCERNED. VERY CONCERNED." Good one Mom. You're worried. ;) Less time for Andrew and I since we live NO where near family and babysitting is expensive and stressful for me. Ok, so I hear when I say these things "It's just a stage." "This will pass." "They grow so fast." "You will miss this." Really, there isn't a perfect time for kids. They are hard. They are tiring. They just plain can make you feel like the worst person on the face of the whole earth when you get mad, yell, punish in anger, and act like a fool in the process. BUT. They are loving, so forgiving, happy, energetic, funny, the best little teachers you'll ever know, and just plain wonderful. Especially asleep :). HA! So, there's the insight into my brain and heart right now. We are going to wait. And now that I have publicly said it, I will do it. Pray and wait. Let my little ones get a bit bigger without tiny babies around or a pregnant crazy Mama. My "Pattern Brain" will cease when all my preggo friends and sister have their babies (I think). If God keeps the yearning in my heart to hold and love another baby next year or later, the idea will be re-visited. If it goes away and we are happy with life baby-less, we will move on with John as the baby. He does make one great baby :). We'll just have to WAIT and see.