Missing Small

"You're gonna miss this."

I feel like I hear that statement at least once a week, usually from someone older than myself, a seasoned parent perhaps, grandparent, or just someone who thinks my kids are cute in the store. I will admit, there are so many moments and things I will miss about my children being small, but there are also those I will not. Diapers. Wipes. Waking in the night. Messes with food. Potty Training. 

Funny that I say that as I am about ready to dive head first into all of it over again. I can't wait to experience again things like snuggles from a tiny who doesn't nearly squish me in my chair (though I will take those too, any day), quiet times alone with a baby, little feet, little clothes, I guess all things little. Lord willing, I will have this chance in January. I have been recently reminded of how sometimes as life continues to grow on the inside, things are taken for granted on the outside. A dear friend lost her little boy just before birth and it broke my heart. I thought of how that would feel and it terrified me. How would I explain something like that to my others who are anxiously awaiting and counting down the weeks until "after Christmas." I pray for God's will, but in my deepest heart want to control the outcome now more than ever. I long for smallness more as I watch the older ones grow up so fast.

I was with my kids this weekend in the mall. I don't normally enjoy taking them shopping, but if it ends with a play session at MyTown, a pretending paradise for all those who enter, they do pretty well. I had told them while Daddy was looking for a present for a friend and stocking up on hunting supplies, we would grab pretzels and play. While waiting in line behind an older couple John decided to push his way forward to get a better glimpse of the twisted doughy goodness behind the glass. One left. And who do you suppose that was for? Not us. I had to quickly look for a solution and my eyes caught two others in the corner of the case, cinnamon. The kids were just as excited about those also, to my relief. Ella and I are keen on dipping them in cheese, but in the case of the cinnamon covered dough, I forwent the cheese. The older gentleman turned around to see the kids behind him, not noticing the tiny amount of disappointment he'd caused their pregnant mother by taking the only pretzel that had dipping potential, and said with a smile, 

"My youngest is 20. I barely remember this age."

I smiled back as the cashier handed me the cinnamon pretzels and asked if I needed "a drink to go with them." Yes Please. Lemonade, light ice. I turned again to the man and without even thinking twice said while laughing, 

"Well, sir, I can't seem to FORGET it right now." 

He and his wife chuckled as they saw that I was expecting another and counted 3 already by my side. They responded "Have a wonderful day," "You too" I said as they left. 

We walked along the empty mall storefronts on our way to play and I thought to myself, I guess really, I don't want to forget it. It's why I take so many pictures. It's why I write down all the funny things they say. Not remembering these days would be horrible to me. Sure, there are times when putting a bad moment or poor choice behind me feels good. However, I want to remember by looking through albums and telling stories, and reading the pages of quotes I already have to my kids as they grow. So, although my first response had to do with never being able to forget them being small now, I should have followed it up with, 

"Nor do I EVER want to."

The current smallest dressed up as a fireman at MyTown.

Change.

Our last Bloomsburg Fair day.
Peter is tired of me taking pictures, despite the look on his face, it was a great time.

Let me see, how can I adequately explain all that has gone on in the past few months? Seeing as I am even farther behind on this "timeline" of a blog, and catching up just seems to be a daunting task, I am going to ask you to be patient with me. Things are changing. My life has been drastically different since the first day of school. I spend more time in the car. Going from place to place seems like the norm and my kids don't even participate in sports, yet. My house is a perpetual mess. I can't figure out what to cook for dinner most nights. I am getting bigger by the week and while my excitement to meet my little boy grows with my body, I just can't get things done like I used to. I sleep when John naps and my other two color quietly, play puzzles, or watch a movie. My boys have needed hair cuts for weeks. At first the shaggy look was cute, now it just looks like I forgot about one more thing. The calendar is filling up with church activities, school functions, Andrew's responsibilities, visitors (yeah!), and appointments. I am trying to read like 3 different books at once. Somehow in the midst of all of this craziness, we have still found the time spend as a family, with friends, and just doing nothing. This is not my style when things are chaotic around me, or my dwelling place is never picked up, but I have had to adapt. There are just some things that are more important than a dinner spread or all things updated and neatly put in their place. Life is happening, life is growing, and on days when I am just plain tired, I'd much rather read the kids a bed time book (which is even getting pushed aside most days) and relax at night while they sleep.

Last weekend I was so excited to spend a night away with a friend to attend a conference about writing, blogging, and just life in general. I learned a lot and took a bunch of notes (I even commented about my finger hurting), and really had to ask myself, What is this blog about and what is my goal in keeping it up? Well, after taking the week to think and pray on it, I still don't have a clearcut answer, but this, I do know. Facebook is for keeping caught up with pictures and events. The pressure of posting in both of these places has finally gotten to me. The Grandparents are on Facebook and my Grandpa who is not, doesn't even own a computer. People connect more to my posts about life and thoughts, and stories which I have learned from, than from seeing 10 of the same pictures they just saw on FB. Those are just a few of my realizations among the most important one : I want this blog to be a ministry. I want to connect with my family and friends over heart issues, kid issues, parenting issues, food, and crafts, most of all, bless others with my words. 

So, all that to say, I am sorry for the few of you who may not see every picture I take on our outings (Andrew thinks I take way too many anyway), or who may miss out on a quote or two from my status updates, but I am planning to take a tiny bit of a different direction here. I will still show pictures and keep updates, but I want to write. About whatever. When I laugh I want others to laugh with me, when I'm down, I want to hopefully be able to encourage someone else who is going through junk too, when God is teaching me something, I want to share. I feel this is just a small change among the many big ones our family is about to embark on. Finishing residency (Praise the Lord), moving in 8 months, having another baby, selling our first home (tear), not knowing where we are going until less than 3 months before we get there, and just overall growing as a family in all these uncertainties. 

Since I started to write this post, my kids have molded play-doh into cookies, colored and put stickers on papers, built a small land on the train table for their dinosaurs, and eaten a snack. You'd think it had been hours, nope, maybe 40 minutes. That's busy for you. The belly baby has been kicking me from the inside out as well. (I love that) I am thankful for life as it unfolds in the every day around me and I can't wait to share more of it with you. 

"Mom! I need you to cut this box so I have a bath for my skunk!!" ~Peter from the living room as I write.