Communion

This morning John woke up at 4am and was awake for too long, so I brought him in our bed to sleep. I will say though I love sleeping by the little people, I don't get as much, if any more sleep after they resume slumber in my face. Peter woke up by 6:30 and cried, waking up Ella while Andrew was in the shower. I told him to hurry and maybe I could shower for church and actually go. When Andrew is on call I usually just say, "I pass" because getting the kids out by 8am on my own doesn't happen. I can get them ready, but not myself. I did it though, today I pressed through the cries for more food, Ella sitting in time out until we left before she would finally recite, "children obey your parents," and John wanting me to hold him all morning crawling at my legs while I fixed my hair quickly. Why are Sunday mornings just the stinkin' worst?? 

A little history for you so you understand why it was important for me to get to church today. I'm a mess. My house is mess, the backyard is a mess, the basement is a mess, I've made a mess while sewing and knitting, and I mean, A MESS. Anyone who knows me well, knows this is NOT MY STYLE. I do not roll "messy." Ever since we got back from our trips, the unpacking (or lack of) and then dumping of the suitcases has resulted in a serious backlog of laundry and motivation, or even knowing where to start. John's mobility has made it very hard to clean up without THREE tiny tornados barreling through my efforts to pick up or put clothes away. With the older two, a Barney episode makes it possible to clean a bathroom and do the dishes, maybe some laundry. Anyway, it is somewhat of a reflection of my being right now. I'm unable to attend any bible studies due to naps and bedtime and a busy husband. (Don't say, "use the babysitting co-op or find a sitter, it's more complicated than that). I don't have a lot of time to myself, and when I do, reading will make me fall asleep. Summed up: I'm feeling really far from the Lord right now. I have all summer. Going back to see my college made me remember 3 times a week chapels, Sunday church, devotions, and being surrounded by people who are just pumped about God. That was such a spiritually high time in life, I would give anything to have that right now. After my cousin and Grandma died I especially hit a low. I'm not sure why death does that to a person, even when I know they are in heaven. What's left down here is hurting and sadness. Today we had communion. I haven't been at church for this in months. I can't even barely make it through the songs without tears these days, so today, communion by myself was for surely tearful. I think of my family, my kids, my lack of time with God and I get sad that I haven't been a better mom, wife and friend lately. I think about how God is bigger than my issues and even how He is the healer of my heart. Today, in my heart I asked God, "Why is my life so nuts right now? Why do I feel like my home is a reflection of how messy my mind, speech, emotions are? Why is there so much hurt around me?" For the first time in months, I heard God. Clearly. You know what he said to me? "Be still and KNOW that I AM GOD." Plain as day. It's been a long time since I felt close to Him, but today, he said, "that's enough. I am here for you. Run to me. Let me heal your heart and the hearts of those around you. Let me be your strength and stop trying to do this without ME." (I'm crying right now.) I want my kids to see God in me, and I know for sure they have not this past year. On the way home, I had to fill up the car and this song came on the radio. It's called Broken by Lifehouse. It could not be more applicable to my spiritual life right now and I am just praying that starting this month as I turn 28, that my upcoming year will be way more fruitful than this past one. I want to be a better person and a better child of God.

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight

Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time

I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts

I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head

I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead

I still see your reflection inside of my eyes

That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm hangin' on another day

Just to see what you throw my way

And I'm hanging on to the words you say

You said that I will be OK

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing

With a broken heart that's still beating

In the pain, there is healing

In your name I find meaning

So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on

I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone

I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home