Missing Small

"You're gonna miss this."

I feel like I hear that statement at least once a week, usually from someone older than myself, a seasoned parent perhaps, grandparent, or just someone who thinks my kids are cute in the store. I will admit, there are so many moments and things I will miss about my children being small, but there are also those I will not. Diapers. Wipes. Waking in the night. Messes with food. Potty Training. 

Funny that I say that as I am about ready to dive head first into all of it over again. I can't wait to experience again things like snuggles from a tiny who doesn't nearly squish me in my chair (though I will take those too, any day), quiet times alone with a baby, little feet, little clothes, I guess all things little. Lord willing, I will have this chance in January. I have been recently reminded of how sometimes as life continues to grow on the inside, things are taken for granted on the outside. A dear friend lost her little boy just before birth and it broke my heart. I thought of how that would feel and it terrified me. How would I explain something like that to my others who are anxiously awaiting and counting down the weeks until "after Christmas." I pray for God's will, but in my deepest heart want to control the outcome now more than ever. I long for smallness more as I watch the older ones grow up so fast.

I was with my kids this weekend in the mall. I don't normally enjoy taking them shopping, but if it ends with a play session at MyTown, a pretending paradise for all those who enter, they do pretty well. I had told them while Daddy was looking for a present for a friend and stocking up on hunting supplies, we would grab pretzels and play. While waiting in line behind an older couple John decided to push his way forward to get a better glimpse of the twisted doughy goodness behind the glass. One left. And who do you suppose that was for? Not us. I had to quickly look for a solution and my eyes caught two others in the corner of the case, cinnamon. The kids were just as excited about those also, to my relief. Ella and I are keen on dipping them in cheese, but in the case of the cinnamon covered dough, I forwent the cheese. The older gentleman turned around to see the kids behind him, not noticing the tiny amount of disappointment he'd caused their pregnant mother by taking the only pretzel that had dipping potential, and said with a smile, 

"My youngest is 20. I barely remember this age."

I smiled back as the cashier handed me the cinnamon pretzels and asked if I needed "a drink to go with them." Yes Please. Lemonade, light ice. I turned again to the man and without even thinking twice said while laughing, 

"Well, sir, I can't seem to FORGET it right now." 

He and his wife chuckled as they saw that I was expecting another and counted 3 already by my side. They responded "Have a wonderful day," "You too" I said as they left. 

We walked along the empty mall storefronts on our way to play and I thought to myself, I guess really, I don't want to forget it. It's why I take so many pictures. It's why I write down all the funny things they say. Not remembering these days would be horrible to me. Sure, there are times when putting a bad moment or poor choice behind me feels good. However, I want to remember by looking through albums and telling stories, and reading the pages of quotes I already have to my kids as they grow. So, although my first response had to do with never being able to forget them being small now, I should have followed it up with, 

"Nor do I EVER want to."

The current smallest dressed up as a fireman at MyTown.